Feeling stuck in a relationship that seems hopeless?

Are you frustrated by the same old patterns of criticism, resentment, defensiveness, or the cold shoulder treatment? Daydreaming about finding someone new and better? Or feeling on the brink of breaking up but don’t know how to change the direction of the relationship? Do you feel compelled to embark on improvement projects for yourself or your partner, determined to make one or both of you more lovable, attractive or “better?” Does the relationship feel lifeless -- like you’re just “getting by,” hardly ever having sex, feeling fairly disconnected, unfulfilled and generally dissatisfied?

Love Awareness couples therapy will allow you to transform these issues and release the constraints on limitless love, confidence and passion in your relationship.


Questions and Answers

There’s no way things can change that dramatically.
Skepticism is common for couples considering therapy. Sharon and Isaac (not their real names) felt that same way when they were beginning couples work. They had been together for 12 years and were feeling wary that they could turn their relationship around. They had been in a vicious cycle of bad fights after periods of what they called “monotanous marriage.” They hoped things could change but they also feared that they wouldn’t. They were surprised to see such a difference so soon into the course of therapy. They found they were able to unload a lot of old pain, in a way that felt very manageable and safe, during several of their one-on-one sessions. This gave them more confidence and clarity about working through long-standing difficulties in sessions that involved both of them. To their surprise and delight they found renewed passion and connection in their relationship.

We’ll just stir up the pot of old resentments and pain and not get anywhere.
Many people are concerned about this. Jack and Chris felt this way when they were beginning their couples work. They wanted to stay together but there was so much “old baggage” that they had tried to put behind them. But it just kept coming up. In desperation, they decided to try some couple’s therapy. What they found as we worked through this together was that the pot did get stirred up. But it didn’t boil over. It was intense at times but they were not overwhelmed. They were relieved to have found a road map for resolving some painful past betrayals in a way that felt completely workable. In fact they were amazed at how effortless the sessions felt after a while and are delighted at how much more trust and love they now feel day to day.

Our worst fears will come true. Many couples fear they’ll end up worse than they were before therapy. They’re concerned that bringing up old pain from the past will trigger them into using hurtful coping patterns like feeling hopeless, binging, having an affair, or breaking up and ending up alone.

This is a legitimate concern, especially because there may be a history of painful dynamics in the relationship. Our job together is to work with the old pain in such a way that it does not trigger these extreme behaviors. There are powerful and effective ways of working with the parts inside that want to “act out.” The therapy work is paced in such a way that clients gain trust and see evidence that the process is entirely manageable and safe.

Isn’t this is going to be tedious? Couples often say that they don’t want to just sit around practicing pie-in-the-sky communication skills that are impossible to do on their own. 

Many couples feel reluctant to learn a tedious and unnatural way of speaking with each other during disagreements. They are not alone. Bonita and Sandy (not their real names) felt this same way. They had tried a different type of couples therapy that taught them a scripted dialogue to use when they were arguing. “It was so klunky. We never could get the hang of it.” After a few sessions they felt relieved to find that this form of couples work does not involve a script or specific dialogue process. Instead, both partners found out how to access their innate authentic compassion and, from there, discussed problems in their relationship in a completely different way. Creative solutions emerged spontaneously and without much intervention from the therapist.

Won’t this cost us an arm and a leg?
Couples therapy is a big investment. Couples have consistently found that it was an investment in their continued happiness and fulfillment. They found that it fortified the emotional foundation of their relationship and discovered that it was well worth it in the long run because the return was immense.

Initial Consultation
I suggest that both you and your partner come in and meet with me for an hour. This will help me get a better feel for the two of you and for each of your concerns. This will also allow you to get a sense of how I work, which is not suited for everyone. Both of you must feel safe and comfortable with me in order for us to have a successful outcome. If you decide to work with me I will bill you for this initial session. If you choose not to work with me, then there will be no charge and I can offer you some referrals for other therapists.

Recommended Reading

You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For, by Richard C. Schwartz, Ph.D.
Available at www.selfleadership.org. Click Resources, then IFS Store.

Bring Yourself To Love, by Mona Barbera, Ph.D.
Available at www.dosmonospress.com

About Me
I am a trained therapist with a great deal of experience in highly transformative psychotherapy and continue to learn from and train with masters in the field. Also I am in a deeply nourishing relationship and continue to successfully navigate the journey of co-creating it despite inner and outer challenges. I know the terrain of couple’s therapy from having traversed it myself. I understand many of the pitfalls of intimate relationship and how to transform them along the way.

Do I only work with couples?
No. I also work with adult individuals who want to transform their relationships with themselves and others. For individuals I offer a completely free half-hour initial consultation.

Christine Horn

Transformative Psychotherapy, LLC
denverhorn@gmail.com

720.220.4788

Background
Advanced training in:

   Internal Family Systems Therapy 

   Child-Parent Relationship Training (Filial Therapy)
   Gestalt Therapy
   Non-Violent Communication

   Professional Labor & Birth Assistance; Childbirth Education

BA, Psychology, University of Michigan
MA, Transpersonal Counseling Psychology, Naropa University

For more information about Internal Family Systems Therapy visit www.selfleadership.org.