Ah, the Golden Rule: Treat Others As You Would Treat Yourself. So beautiful. And yet, if it only worked the way Jesus intended. Between self-hatred, self-criticism and “beating ourselves up,” it is an act of heroism every time we do show some mercy. It’s no wonder we sin (“miss the mark” as translated from the Aramaic) so much in our relationships.

Here’s a way to actually operationalize the Golden Rule without denying, betraying our turning our backs on our inner experience of painful emotional states. It is a radical practice that may change your life. Please proceed with caution. It is called “Compassionate Inner Dialogue” inspired by the Internal Family Systems (IFS) work of Richard C. Schwartz, Ph.D.
If you would like to experiment with it, do the following: Take a breath. Notice what is going on inside of you. You may become aware of a physical sensation, an emotion, a stream of phrases running through your mind. Just take note of that. Literally, write down what you notice. Catalogue everything you can about this experience. Describe the physical sensations that you notice. Locate where in your body you feel them. Write down what emotions accompany these sensations. Quote what thoughts come out of this part of you. Chronicle the beliefs this part of you has about you, the situation that triggered you to notice this part, the world in general. Flesh it out a bit. Even draw it if you are so inclined – and remember, stick figures are just fine!

Now, try some of that good ‘ole empathic listening. You know, the stuff Oprah and therapists are always trying do get you to do with your loved ones. You do not have to have this conversation out loud – in case you are concerned that people will see you talking to yourself. Take another breathe. Breathe in some ease. Let your breath make room inside for some curiosity. See what happens when you say to this internal entity, “I see you. I know you’re here.” Go a step further and communicate to this part of yourself, “I get it that you are feeling “x” (whatever emotions you discovered earlier).” Stay present with this part and notice what happens when you acknowledge the thoughts this part revealed to you by saying something like, “I understand you think…” Continue communicating your understanding about what this part believes.

Breathe again. Notice how you feel inside now. If you are feeling calmer, more compassionate toward this inner “part” of yourself, you can continue your interview. You could ask this part why it thinks and believes what it does. How long has it been like that? You could even ask this part what it might need from you.

If you are not feeling calm or curious or compassionate toward this part you may have discovered another part of yourself, or many parts, that you can flesh out and interview. Please understand that this experience of so many aspects of ourselves inside is entirely normal. The mind is naturally multifaceted. Coming to know all of these inner experiences, in the manner described above, is a huge step toward bringing more compassion to the world.

We cannot give what we do not have access to. The Golden Rule asks us to be infinitely kind to others. Infinitely. That is a lot. If we were asked to give an infinite amount of money to others but we only have $137 in our bank account we would obviously be unable to succeed at the task. This Compassionate Inner Dialogue exercise builds up our inner bank account of kindness. First we have to be kind to ourselves. Only then can we have more to give to others.

Try it out. You may just be amazed.

If you would like to explore ways to “double your money” (inner kindness account) by receiving guidance in bringing this dialogue to parts of yourself that seem stuck, overwhelmed, burdened by pain or trauma, please contact the author to arrange a free initial consultation.

Christine Horn is a psychotherapist at the LoDo Healing Center in Denver specializing in Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy. She assists individuals and couples to unburden trauma or exiled pain often at the root of suffering. Christine offers a free half-hour consultation for clients to decide whether the connection and the work feel like a good fit. She can be reached at 720.220.4788 or To learn more about IFS therapy visit www.selfleadership.org.